Welcome all to the first annual Moxie Sports NFL Mock Draft. I have a love/hate relationship with mock drafts. On one hand, they are great things for NFL fans to read at anytime of the year and tell “draft experts” to eat dirt and go drink Drano Max – they get conversations started.
For most of the teams we really have no idea what their GM and coaches are thinking when it comes to needs, and what players they like or dislike. Even so places like ESPN and Bleacher Report have one almost every fucking week and “changes” because of what they saw on tape or heard a random NFC West Scout say while he was watching Middle Tennessee State play Alabama Southern Baptist Technical College. Mel Kiper is probably already preparing his 2020 mock draft so he can release it the second Mr. Irrelevant is picked and it’ll be filled with juniors that may or may not come out, and his April predictions of the 2020 NFL Standings.
Now there are some obvious choices that any person with a tiny bit of football knowledge can go, “Oh yeah, the Jets need help on defense. The Cardinals really like Kyler Murray. The 49ers need pass rushers.” But we really have no idea whats going to happen in those draft rooms, we don’t know how all these new coaches are going to work with the GM’s, we don’t know what coaches and GM’s value, who they like, who they hate, what their player tiers look like, what they think their needs are, etc. We don’t know how guys will perform at the combine, we don’t know what free agents are going to sign where, we don’t know whose going to get traded, so its just FUCKING POINTLESS to do one of these things, unless its the week of the draft. So after saying how much I think mock drafts are pretty stupid, please enjoy Moxie’s one and only one round mock draft and enjoy the draft starting Thursday from Nashville, TN. Even though it seems boring to just watch names get read off of a card, the first round of the NFL Draft is one of my favorite events of the year.
1. Arizona Cardinals (3-13): Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma
Kliff Kingsbury comes in and tells Josh Rosen to fuck off, they’re going with a guy who can actually move. In reality, if your the GM of the Cardinals you obviously believed in Rosen so it might be smart to trade this pick, get a few more first rounders and some other second or third rounders, and build your shitty team from there. BUT if Kyler is a stud then you’re gonna get fired anyway, so there is no win-win here. So the Cardinals take a guy tailored made for Kingsbury’s offense and hopefully learns how to slide and get out of bounds.
So the Cardinals take Kyler Murray first overall in the 2019 NFL and try to build their franchise around him. He is one fast littler feller.
2. MOXIE TRADE: Buffalo Bills (via trade with SF 49ers): Josh Allen, EDGE, Kentucky
Our first trade of this mock draft. The Bills GM trades the 9th overall pick, the Bills 2020 first round pick, a 3rd round pick in 2019, a 4th round pick in 2020, and a 5th round pick in 2023 for the #2 overall pick and San Francisco’s best wing joint.
Is there any explanation needed here. An NFL teams needs a great QB, LT, and Edge Rusher. The Bills now have two of three, they’re both named Josh Allen, and they’re here to kick ass and get third in the AFC East for the next five years, and they’re still looking for that ass.
Does that even make sense?
3. New York Jets (4-12): Nick Bosa, DE, Ohio State
The Jets need help basically everywhere. They have no offensive threats, their defense has some good players but for the most part they suck everywhere. Shout out to Jamal Adams who is a hell of player at safety.
So the Jets get the top defensive guy, and probably the top prospect in the draft in Nick Bosa. The Jets are looking for a game changing player that could be the face and leader of their defense so they pick a guy who quit on his team last year. I’d put a YouTube highlight reel in but he didn’t have any in 2018 because he quit on his team. Sad.
4. Oakland Raiders (4-12): Quinnen Williams, DT, Alabama
The Raiders make a smart pick here for once and get the best DT in the draft. The Raiders don’t pull the trigger and trade all their first round picks for Kyler Murray, instead they get a guy that will stuff the run but can also put pressure on opposing QBs. In a division with Joe Flacco, you need that pressure up the middle, can’t let that guy escape the pocket. Plus Derek Carr was a MVP candidate just two years ago, and I believe he still has that kind of play still in him.
Hopefully, Mike Mayock is still apart of the NFL Networks draft coverage because he is WAY better than anything ESPN puts out. They could just mute his microphone while Raiders on the clock. I would love to see Mayock break down the Jets pick before and then go silent while the Raiders are on the clock. I’m actually kind of mad he took this job. Come back Mike, we love you.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11): Rashan Gary, DE, Michigan
I know everybody wants Hard Knocks to go back to Cleveland, but for all that is sacred in this world give me an hour every Sunday in August of Bruce Arians just cussing out Jamies Winston for stupid decisions. There is a zero percent chance that crab legs are not brought up. Zero percent chance Bruce Arians doesn’t call Winston a “fucking moron” at least four times. We as NFL fans deserve that.
The Buccaneers select DE Rashan Gary from Michigan to bolster that defensive front. Gary was the top recruit coming out of high school and was great for the Wolverines. Although he didn’t put up gaudy numbers, he was constantly double and triple teamed and still produced.
HBO, do the right thing.
6. New York Giants (5-11): A Dad Speech From Archie Manning Written by Nicholas Sparks, QB, Ole Miss
The Giants really need Eli Manning to get the fuck out of town, like really badly. The Giants are too big of a pussy organization to cut or trade Eli, and don’t want to encourage him to retire.
So with the 6th overall pick they pick Nicholas Sparks to write a speech that Archie Manning will give to his son, telling him he must retire to protect the Manning name or else Archie and Peyton are going to buy the Giants and trade Eli to the Chargers.
Just imagine: Eli is home in Bayou, talking to his down out on the front lawn. Reminiscing on his two bullshit Super Bowl wins and how he hopes to play for 9 more years, maybe feel cute and waste Saquan Barkley’s whole career. All the sudden, a storm rolls in. Cue up Archie Manning giving an Oscar winning speech the likes of Ryan Gosling in the Notebook.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss
The Jaguars have no skill position players that scare anybody so they’re going to pull a Detroit Lions and start drafting WRs left and right hoping one hits.
Metcalf looks like a Greek god, he runs like a Greek god, probably can lift like a Greek god, but moves laterally like a 300 pound 65 year old man with constipation and fake leg.
Foles was great with the Eagles throwing the long ball and the Jaguars need a guy to take the top off the defense so they go with Metcalf hoping they can loosen up them hips of his.
Sneaky pick here: T.J. Hockenson, TE, Iowa.
8. Detroit Lions (6-10): A New City
Preach John Rich, preach. First of all, Kris Kristofferson and Mickey Rourke were in this music video? Star studded cast. You should also watch the music video because Kristofferson has one hell of a fucking day.
Second, I’m not sure if Detroit fans even like the Lions or if they just show up on Sunday’s because there’s nothing else to do. The Lions haven’t’ been relevant since ever and a change of scenery would do them well. At least that’s what I think their GM thinks. So the Lions with the 12th overall pick take a new city. Don’t know which one but they’re drafting a new city. Not a city to relocate to but like a Sister City so it’s a symbolic move. Once they decide on that Sister City, they’ll then take Detroit out of the name and replace. Currently they have sister cities like Turin (Italy), Minsk (Belaurs), Toyota (Japan). Maybe they should draft Toyota and be the Toyota Lions playing at Ford Field. What a world.
9. MOXIE TRADE: San Francisco 49ers (via trade with Buffalo Bills): Cleilin Ferrel, DE, Clemson
The 49ers traded back, got some more picks next year from the Bills, and still get a top tier edge rusher. Last year, Ferrell would have been a top 10-15 pick and he came back to win a national championship with Clemson. Well it didn’t hurt him as he gets picked #9 here by the 49ers.
10. Denver Broncos (6-10): Drew Lock, QB, Missouri
Dwayne Haskins is here but who gives a shit, right John Elway? The Broncos take Drew Lock because Elway falls in love with another QB who is big and can throw the ball far like Joe Flacco. The Broncos plan? Let Flacco play the next two years, make the playoffs, and let Lock learn under a solid QB.
What actually happens? The Broncos start out 2-5 despite only giving up 13.2 points per game and Drew Lock is forced in way before he’s ready and his career is ruined. In three years he’s out of Denver and backing up Marcus Mariota in Tennessee.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (6-10): Fans, America
These are serious questions. Is it every sunny in Cincinnati? Does Cincinnati actually exist besides the football and baseball stadiums? Is it a city where everyone commutes to? Do people enjoy living there? Where is it in Ohio? Or is it really in Indiana but everyone is okay playing a sick joke on the rest of the America? Do people leave Cincinnati in the summer to go to Cleveland?
Cinci has a shitty owner, a stadium that is never full (even when they’re good), a QB that will be out the door next year, and the only marketable player they have, A.J. Green, could be gone this year or next year. So the Bengals draft some fans. They need fans to not show up to their stadium, to not buy their merchandise, to not read their beat writers articles about the punter battle going on in camp, to actually hate on the Steelers, Browns, and Ravens. Where do they get these fans? Convington, KY. Don’t know where that is, look it up.
12. Green Bay Packers (5-9-1): Ed Oliver, DT, Houston
Packers get a dream pick here. They could go with the top OL or maybe T.J. Hockensen at TE but instead they go with the top DL on the board. The Packers didn’t sign any DL in free agency, Mike Daniels situation next year is up in the air, and the other guys besides Kenny Clark are all young and un-proven. The Packers add another young DL who is an athletic freak.
13. Miami Dolphins (7-9): Devin White, LB, LSU
Dolphins just need players and leaders for their team. Who better than the top LB in the draft, a guy who played in the SEC for LSU, has some serious swag, and can fly all over the field. The Dolphins new head coach Brian Flores is also a defensive guy and picks the leader of his defense for years to come.
14. Atlanta Falcons (7-9): Montez Sweat, EDGE, Mississippi State
The Falcons could go a lot of places here. I don’t think their defense is as bad as every makes them out to be, they were remarkably injured last year. They could also use help on the offensive line but instead they go with and an edge guy in Montez Sweat.
Remember when they drafted this guy? Fun times.
Well McKinley has produced 13 sacks in two years for the Falcons but their other EDGE guy Vic Beasley had one good year, and hasn’t done so much other than that. There were reports the Falcons were listening to trade offers even. So the Falcons boost up that rush with another athletic freak in Sweat.
15. Washington Redskins (7-9): The Genie From Aladdin, Genie, Cave of Wonders
First off this is a pick coming from the fans, because they’re going to riot and kick the shit out of everybody in the organization before the draft and take control of their team. Because if they don’t, Dan Snyder will draft the Will Smith genie and not the Robin Williams version.
The Redskins need a lot of things: new ownership, new GM, new players, new stadium, maybe a new coach but I actually like Jay Gruden, and a new QB because Alex Smiths leg is fughked.
The fans riot and one of the hogs takes the Robin Williams Genie from Aladdin with the Redskins 15th overall pick. As we all know, the Redskins and their fans get three wishes:
- Make Dan Snyder disappear forever.
- A Brand New Stadium.
- A hall of fame QB as their next QB.
Good three wishes. But they forget to wish for a Super Bowl win, or maybe the Cowboys never winning again, or maybe a better owner, so the next guy who buys the Redskins is actually worse than Dan Snyder and moves the team to the actual state of Washington in Spokane, trades that Hall of Fame QB to Eagles, and runs this franchise that nobody actually likes into the ground even more and in 2022 they get turned into the 33rd franchise in the NHL.
16. Carolina Panthers (7-9): Brian Burns, EDGE, Florida State
Panthers need help rushing the QB and help protecting their own QB. The go with rushing the QB here and take Brian Burns out of Florida State. Not only is Thomas Davis gone at the LB position, but so is Julius Peppers. The Panthers need another stud on defense and they’ll look for Burns to do it.
Even though Florida State sucked last year, Burns was a highlight for them.
17. New York Giants (from Cleveland Browns) (7-8-1): Jawaan Taylor, OL, Florida
Instead of being smart here and drafting and developing Dwayne Haskins the Giants take a offensive linemen to hopefully extend Eli’s career and piss off even more Giant fans. So the Giants get the top OL in the draft in Jawaan Taylor and take him with the 17th overall pick. Taylor is a big ole boy at 6’5 and 312 pounds.
Eli gets more protection and it extends the shitty end to his career a few more years as the Giants waste Saquan Barkley and give him too many carries.
18. Minnesota Vikings (8-7-1): Concrete, Steel, & Drywall Workers, USA
The Minnesota Viking organization is a disgrace to animal lovers everywhere. Their monstrosity of a stadium that was finished in 2016 is killing birds at an alarming rate. In what is apparently the Mississippi Flyway, “a bird migration route that stretches from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and Central and South America” the Vikings built a glass palace that is confusing and killing birds. What employee for the Vikings decided to build a stadium in a known, direct migration route for innocent birds? Moron.
CBS Sports wrote an article about this in 2017. Here’s an ALARMING excerpt from that story:
“A trio of organizations — the Audubon Chapter of Minneapolis, the Minnesota Citizens for the Protection of Migratory Birds and the Friends of Roberts Bird Sanctuary — worked together to prepare a report (which you can view in full here) that details the concerns about the stadium’s effect on birds flying into the stadium.
The results are not pretty: according to City Pages, over a two-hour span, the three groups found 60 dead birds lying on the ground and another 14 birds lying stunned on the ground.
The belief is that the stadium is killing up to 500 birds a year.
This pace would make it the deadliest building in Minnesota for birds.”
What a shame. What a fucking shame. The Vikings are knowingly and willingly murdering over 500 innocent birds every year.
So with the 18th overall pick the Vikings do the right thing and draft a shit ton of concrete, steel, and drywall workers to replace the glass with walls that won’t confuse and kill the birds flying to safety. Do the right thing Minnesota, for once.
19. Tennessee Titans (9-7): T.J. Hockenson, TE, Iowa
The Titans are an interesting team because they really have good players everywhere on the field, but Marcus Mariota can’t stay healthy and they seem to be sluggish offensively. So that’s where we go here, offensive line or another weapon? Well they get Mariota another weapon.
In a miracle scenario, T.J. Hockensen falls to the Titans at 19 and they scoop him up. Everybody has a boner for Hockenson who seems like he’s already anointed as the next great TE in this league. He’ll get his chance to prove himself on a very good team.
20 Pittsburgh Steelers (9-6-1): Therapy
The Steelers got rid of LeVon Bell and Antonio Brown. Big Ben is apparently a racist, Mike Tomlin can’t control the locker room, JuJu can’t get Brown to stop tweeting at him, the Pirates suck, the Penguins are getting knocked out of the NHL playoffs, they don’t have an NBA team, the Pitt Panthers suck, and does Pittsburgh ever have nice weather?
The Steelers draft a therapist for the whole city, so everybody can calm their tits and lose to the Pats in the divisional round after going 12-4 but losing to the Pats late in the regular season which would have given them home field advantage. A tale as old as time.
21. Seattle Seahawks (10-6): N’Keal Harry, WR, Arizona St.
The Seahawks just signed Russell Wilson for a butt load of money. This man needs some weapons. They give him one in the big WR from Arizona St, N’Keal Harry.
Harry is 6’2″, 228 pounds with a 38.5 inch vertical. The Seahawks get a big ole target at WR for Wilson, similar to guys like Jermaine Kearse and Sidney Rice who he could throw to during his two Super Bowl runs. Harry was regarded as the top WR at the start of the college football season but has fallen because guys like A.J. Brown, Marquise Brown, and D.K. Metcalf played and tested out well. The Seahawks are fine with that as they get arguably the most talented offensive player play-maker in this draft at 21.
22. Baltimore Ravens (10-6): Marquise Brown, WR, Oklahoma
The Ravens need some help on the outside. They also need to draft a a guy Lamar Jackson won’t hit when he’s wide open. So with the 22nd overall pick, the Ravens select WR Marquise Brown. They get arguably the top WR in the draft at 22 and another guy that will suck for fantasy football because Lamar Jackson can’t throw the ball in the NFL consistently yet. Woo.
23. Houston Texans (11-5): Jonah Williams, OL, Alabama
Deshaun Watson ran for his fucking life last year. If the Texans take anything but an OL here then they just don’t care about Watson’s life. The Texans are a weird team, they have a ton of talent on both sides of the ball, but I don’t think any team in the AFC is really scared of them. This team could win 13 games next year, or they could win 6.
So with the 23rd pick the Texans do the right thing and get some protection for their QB and draft Jonah Williams out of Alabama.
24. MOXIE TRADE: Chicago Bears (from Oakland Raiders, pick that was from the Chicago Bears initially) Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State
This is some inception type of shit. Let’s be honest Bears fans, Mitch Trubiscuity is not winning you a Super Bowl, or an NFC Championship. Also, your defense had an historic year last year and you still lost in a playoff game at home. Matt Nagy is a great coach, your defense is still going to be top 5, but Trubiscuity isn’t going to win anything.
Therefore the Bears trade another 1st round pick to the Raiders to get back to their original spot at 24 to draft Dwayne Haskins from Ohio State who falls in this 1st round mock draft.
25. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7): Future Restraining Orders, City Government of Philadelphia
Imagine a scenario, it’s early 2020 and the Eagles are sitting at home for the playoffs. Carson Wentz played all year, but he just couldn’t play well enough for the Eagles to make it.
Eagle fans will riot. They will picket outside of Carson Wentz’s house and demand he get traded to Jacksonville and Big Dick Nick comes back even though they’ll overlook the fact the Jaguars went 4-12. Eagle fans are mean sons of bitches, give them one Super Bowl and they want one every year.
So with the 25th pick of the 2019 draft, the Philadelphia organization drafts future restraining orders on all their fan effective the first time they miss the playoffs with Carson Wentz at QB and Nick Foles isn’t there to save them.
26. Indianapolis Colts (10-6): A New Yorker, Asshole, New York
The Colts are a good team on paper and on the field. What they’ll have to prove in 2019 is if their defense can duplicate what they did in 2018 and if they can the Colts will be a favorite to come out of AFC. However, they won’t win a Super Bowl until Andrew Luck grows a pair and plays with some fucking attitude, and swag, and talks shit to the opposing defense.
So the Colts draft New Yorker to follow Andrew Luck around at training camp berating him with insults about books, flip phones, lanky beards, architecture, and Chicken Marbella until Luck finally breaks and yells and beats the shit out of him. If that takes one week into training, so be it. If it takes until Week 14 so be it. But mark my words, the Colts won’t make the Super Bowl until he tells an opposing player to fuck off. This asshole the Colts are drafting, will help get Andrew Luck to that point. Instead of slapping ass and saying “good hit bro” when Luck gets sacked, he’ll get up right away and tell that defender his mom has a fat ass and he’s got a face for radio. Next play – slinging TDs to T.Y. Hilton and giving freedom rockets to the opposing sidelines. Swag.
27. Oakland Raiders (From Dallas Cowboys): Devin Bush, LB, Michigan
At 27 the Raiders get the second best LB in the draft. Devin Bush is a lot like Devin White. The dude loves football, plays hard, and a flies all over the fucking field. He plays with a lot of swagger and has been a little testy on the field at times for the Wolverines, perfect fit for the Raiders. He’ll turn into the leader of the defense for Jon Gruden unless one of his scouts sneaks back into the Raiders organization and leaks this info.
28. Los Angeles Chargers (12-4): Greedy Williams, CB, LSU
Why not? The Chargers are loaded, anywhere they draft is just getting them more depth. They take a CB here to fill in the gap after Jason Verrett left even though he’s been hurt the past couple years. Greedy won’t tackle, he’ll probably just be the “I’m gonna lower my head and dive at your ankles” type of tackler, but he’s great in coverage. Greedy Williams to the Chargers.
29. Seattle Seahawks (from Kansas City Chiefs): Jaylon Ferguson, EDGE, Louisiana Tech
The Seahawks just got this pick on Tuesday. This is why we do our Mock Draft at the last minute and still with the in depth analysis you’d expect from Mel Kiper Jr. doing a different draft, that is him as each teams GM, but not acting like that teams GM, but acting like him if he were the GM of each team, which is somehow different from him just doing a mock draft not pretending to be a GM.
Seahawks take Jaylon Ferguson out of Louisiana Tech with the 29th overall pick. Never heard o him? Well he’s one of the best pure pass rushers in this draft. He’s not getting the attention because he’s a small school guy but at 6’6 262 LBS, he has huge upside to be a dominate pass rusher in the NFL.
30. Green Bay Packers (from New Orleans Saints): Andre Dillard, OT, Washington St.
Cole Madison just came back for the Packers this year after taking his rookie year off for personal reasons. Packers go back to Washington St. and take Andre Dillard to eventually replace Bryan Bulaga and be a plug and play guy in his first year. The Packers need weapons, but they also need to protect Rodgers more than anything. LaFleur also wants to run the ball and this helps create depth on that offensive line. Packers can take a skill position guy at 44. Go Pack Go.
31. Los Angeles Rams (13-3): Dexter Lawrence, DL, Clemson
Just like many teams here, the Rams don’t have too many needs. Maybe a RB to backup Gurley? Maybe a CB or S to replenish a weaker secondary? But Dexter Lawerence is too good to pass up here, with all the non-football players teams have drafted above them the Rams get a top 15 talent guy in Dexter Lawrence.
Great pick for them, although Suh hasn’t been signed by anybody yet I don’t think he’s coming back to the Rams. A lot of what made the Rams defense so good last year was the combo of Suh and Donald on the inside. Lawrence is a cheap replacement, a huge run stuffer, and gets to learn from the best player in the NFL. They play in a division where the Seahawks want to run the ball first, Kyle Shanahan would love to run the ball more, and the Cardinals just fucking suck. Lawerence will help the Rams win the NFC West for the third year in a row.
32. New England Patriots (11-5): Asian Massage Parlor, Foxborough
The Patriots decide to help out their owner in 2019 instead of their team. Why Bob Kraft has to go to Florida for an ole rub and tug is beyond me. The man owns a god damn football team, just get him his own massage parlor that he can run correctly, and get some hand jibbers on the side for free. No need to fly to Florida for some relief. Also, why not just go to Vegas? Where it’s legal? I know a guy whose had some first hand (PUNS) experience getting hand jibbers in a hotel room, he can recommend someone for you Robert.
The Patriots don’t need anybody here. They should probably draft Noah Fant to replace Gronkowski but Kraft takes over and drafts his own massage parlor that will be open 7 days a week INSIDE the stadium. He never has to leave Foxborough now.